


Of Stolen Books...

by BarPurple



Series: Cross Realm Library Exchange [3]
Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Book theft, Crossover, Gen, No books were harmed in the writing of this fic, Pirates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-28 07:22:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7630576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarPurple/pseuds/BarPurple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...Or How a certain pirate captain met a certain simian wizard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Stolen Books...

It would surprise many, but Captain Hook was a well-read man. The most successful pirates tended to be, a captain had to know what they were sailing into, and only the foolish went in search of treasure unprepared. Over the past few decades his reading had focused on one very specialized area, how to kill the Crocodile. He’d not had much success to date, but thanks to Neverland, he had all the time he needed to discover the means for his revenge.

Stealing the old text from the island monastery had been easy enough and it was plain sailing until they left the coastal waters, then the Jolly got hit by a storm that had nothing to do with wind and tide.

“Captain! What’s happening?”

“It’s a portal Mister Smee. You’ve seen them before!”

“But we didn’t call Pan’s Shadow!”

“I am aware of that detail Mister Smee. Now furl the bloody sails before we lose them to this tempest!”

The crew jumped to follow his order, but didn’t have a chance to act before the Jolly was spinning in a tight circle at the centre of ever increasing whirlpool. Killian could taste the tang of magic in the air, felt it vibrating in the metal of his hook.

“Brace for impact!”

The Jolly was surrounded by a fog of smoke in a colour that Hook couldn’t put a name to, but made his eyes itch. His stomach lurched as his ship took to the air in a wild roaring storm.

 

Ridcully was used to peace and quiet for his morning jog. The rest of the Faculty didn’t know what sunrise looked like from this side and had been stubbornly resistant to his hearty encouragement that fresh air and exercise would be good for them. The sounds of shattering wood and tile from the library were a little unusual, but were certainly worth a detour from his normal route. He paused before the great doors to the Library and prepared a quick fireball, just in case, Mister Stibbons had been talking in a lot of initials last night at dinner, there could be something from the Dungeon Dimension in there. Ridcully pushed open the doors and gaped in surprise.

“What the bloody hell is that doing here? Ouch!”

He quickly blew out the fireball that had started to singe his fingers and tried to get his head around the sight before him. Being the man he was he gave up after a few seconds and began yelling for the Bursar.

In the minute it took Bursar to arrive Ridcully had amused himself by keeping a running tally of the number of screams that ended in a dull thump, he reached twenty-seven by the time Bursar arrived panting by his side.

“Archchancellor, why is there a pirate ship in the Library?”

“I was going to ask you that.”

“But I don’t know, sir,” Bursar didn’t have to look at the Archchancellor to know the look on his face, “But I am sure it has something to do with the HEM. I shall go and find Mister Stibbons at once.”

The fighting that had been going on within the hold of the pirate ship suddenly erupted on to the deck. A pirate went flying into the balcony thrown by an orange haired arm. Ridcully grinned; “Twenty-eight.”

Bursar twisted his hands together; “Should we offer assistance, sir?”

“Oh, I doubt that will be necessary, the Librarian is holding,” Ridcully paused as another pirate tumbled over the ship rail, “Twenty-nine, his own very well. Turns out these pirates are using the M-word.”

“Oh, I see. Should we perhaps offer assistance to the pirates?”

“Don’t be foolish, man. They invaded our Library. Run along and find young Stibbons. He’s probably still awake tinkering with that contraption of his.”

Bursar left and Ridcully happily watched the entertainment the fight before him offered. He winced a few times as the Librarian landed some impressive punches, he was a little worried when there was only one pirate left staggering, but would never have to admit that as the Librarian showed true UU spirit and hurled the man like a sack of vegetables over the side with such force he slid to a halt at Ridcully’s feet. He looked down at the bleeding, but still conscious man and said in a cheery voice; “I accept your surrender.”

The man wiped his hand across his split lip and bloody nose and spat; “Fine, Just keep that bloody fiend away from me!”

 

It took several bunches of bananas to calm the Librarian to the point where Ridcully could question the pirate captain. Several opening questions suggested themselves to Ridcully’s mind, but he opted for the most pressing one.

“Are you in fact a slobbering beast from the Dungeon Dimension?”

The defiant sneer the pirate had been wearing melted into a look of total confusion.

“No, mate, I hail from the Enchanted Forest.”

“And how many tentacles do people from there normally have?”

The bound captain’s left arm jerked, he huffed in frustration and rubbed his ear against his shoulder before answering.

“None. Unless you’re thinking of Ursula and then the answer is eight, but she’s an octopus-goddess so that’s normal for her.”

Ridcully wouldn’t let go of the idea until he was certain he’d exhausted every possible questioning permutation.

“So you are in fact human?”

The pirate dropped his chin to his chest and muttered something Ridcully suspected was impolite before he raised his head and said slowly and clearly; “I am human. I am Captain Killian Jones of the Jolly Roger. Most folk call me Captain Hook. Where the hell am I?”

Assured that this wasn’t some sort of demon beast in disguise Ridcully’s basic manners reasserted themselves.

“You invaded the Unseen University Library in Ankh-Morpork, on the Disc.”

The pirate groaned, “This is all because of that bloody book isn’t it? I should have known something was going to go wrong when the monks gave it up so easily.”

Behind Ridcully the Librarian had abandoned his bananas and knuckled closer. Ridcully threw out his arm and hoped it wouldn’t be ripped off as he asked; “What book?”

The pirate licked his lips and swallowed, for the first time Ridcully saw a flicker of fear dance across the man’s face. He respected that after all, the pirate was looking directly at 300 pounds of ready to pounce Orangutan Librarian while discussing a book he very likely stole. 

“I…I acquired a manuscript from some monks and in no way harmed it or any other books in the process….”

The pirate’s eyes squinted shut and his teeth clenched as he waited for the probable orange fury to hit him. Even Ridcully tensed as the Librarian leaned over his out stretched arm and snuffed in a deep breath.

“Ook.”

Ridcully relaxed; “The Librarian says he believes you.”

Captain Hook frowned; “Aye, I heard him.”

“Oh you speak Librarian. I mean Orangutan?”

It took Hook a moment to drag his gaze from the Librarian and cautiously say; “Apparently I do?”

“OOK! Ook, ook, eek ook?”

Hook rolled his eyes and said with more confidence; “I didn’t get a chance to read it, mate. It’s in the drawer of my desk in the Captain’s cabin. Take a look and maybe you can tell me why my ship ended up in your library.”

The Librarian knuckled toward the ship and swung up on to deck by means of a convenient rope. Ridcully gave Hook a tight lipped smile and rocked on his heels.

“So, pirate, hey? What does that entail?”

“Plundering and pillaging my weasely black guts out. Wizard, hey? What does that entail?”

Ridcully sniffed; “Big dinners and not doing magic mostly.”

“Oh right. I am in a different realm ain’t I?”

“What do the wizards in your realm do?”

“Make deals, steal babies and kill people.”

“Oh. Sounds like the bad old days here.”

The two of them fell into an uneasy silence until the Librarian returned ooking urgently under his breath with a roll of parchment curled protectively in one hand.

“Oi! I worked hard to acquire that!”

The Librarian went into such an excited stream of ooking that even Ridcully had trouble keeping up, he wasn’t at all surprised when Hook shook his head and said; “I didn’t get all of that.”

“Ah well, the Librarian says the parchment you acquired is a fragment of a text that doesn’t belong in your realm. It was cursed to bring in home to this library,” Ridcully stopped and frowned at the Librarian, “Really old man, we’re cursing books with locator spells?” He leant back as the Librarian curled his long powerful hand into a fist, “Yes of course only in dire circumstances, which this clearly is, so anyway Hook, that’s what brought you and your ship here.”

The pirate didn’t appear the slightest bit phased by this information.

“So why didn’t it bring the monks here? They had it for centuries on that island.”

“Ook.”

Hook sniffed and nodded; “Oh, that was clever of them. Who’d have thought monks would be that sneaky?”

“Ook.”

“Well, yeah when you put it like that. Look mate I’m more than happy to leave the scroll here, but I need to read it first, please?”

Hook barred his teeth as the Librarian shook his head.

“Why not?”

This time the ape’s head shake was slow and filled with sadness.

“Ook.”

“How can you know that?” Hook spat, “How can you be sure?”

The Librarian knuckled slowly away, the scroll Hook had worked so hard for tucked safely under his long arm. Ridcully sighed and stepped forward, an unusual amount of compassion in his voice as he waved away the ropes that held the pirate.

“If the Librarian says that book won’t help you, it’s best to believe him. He knows these things. How about we bring your crew around and see about some breakfast, hey?”  
Hook looked murderous as he shook his arms free of the ropes, but the fight went out of him as Ridcully helped him to his feet.

“I’ll trust your simian wizard more than any in my realm. He really doesn’t like being called mon..”

Ridcully clicked his fingers and sealed Hook’s lips before he could finish that word. There was a twinkle in his eye as he said; “He also has amazingly sharp hearing.”

Hook raised an eyebrow and gestured to his mouth with the curve of metal that gave him his name. Ridcully clicked his fingers again and the pirate gasped.

“Thank you. I see there is much to learn about this Disc of yours.”

“You’ll have time to get the basics. We’ve got to work out how to get your ship back to the Enchanted Forest.”

Hook gave a dark chuckle; “That I can probably arrange, but for now I believe you mentioned aiding my crew and then breakfast?”


End file.
